Sometimes, in the midst of day-to-day busyness, I start to feel like I’ve lost the plot. There are plenty of things “to-do” but when I pause the incessant motion, I’m often left wondering what’s the real purpose.
In these moments, I find myself questioning who I am. Clearly I’m a mom. Yep, I’m a wife. Friend. Daughter. Me, in the context of others is nice, but who am I, deep down? What moves me at the core?
I catch glimpses of it. When I’m doing work that has a positive impact on the world. When my son is cracking up at my silly antics, or our family is just being on a Saturday morning. When I’m caring for people I love in the ways I find important vs. what I think I should be doing.
Damn those #shouldbedoings.
The glimpses leave me curious about how to really live my life in this flow. Not just to believe that life can be fulfilling, and that it’s possible to exist everyday from a place of deep connection, but to experience that completely.
I want to turn it on like a switch, suddenly seeing clearly what is true in every moment, pure connection, free of the baggage that keeps me lost, thinking that I’m separate or fearing I do not belong.
But the switch doesn’t work and I dream I’ve failed. I’m not ready yet. I may never get there. I doubt and I disconnect. The cycle repeats. Feeling lost. What to do? Do the things I “have to” do. Wonder why. What’s the (my) purpose? Voy – I’m feeling so lost. What to do?
Life carries me along with the current and I wonder again what it would be like to live on purpose. To remember to be moved by that which is at the core of Me. To be clear.
Why does the day to day business of life have such power to overshadow the flow?
Is it because the business feels more urgent? Due dates loom. Toddlers make sure their needs are stated, at top volume, over and over and over again. The dog runs circles around your feet until you take her for a walk. What’s for dinner? The fridge is empty. The bathroom MUST be cleaned, I mean look at it!
The urgent noise is constant.
And just outside of it, a hibiscus blossom sways, begging me to pause and bask in the rich, deep color at its core.
I hear the sweetest voice imploring “Mommy – will you come to the garden and play with me?” Oh how lovely that would be darling, but there are just a few more things I have to get done.
The dress that makes me feel vibrant and sexy, so very Me winks from the depths of the closet, waiting for me to finally slip her on again, and remember who I am.
The brilliant collection of poetry that stirs my soul beckons from the nightstand as I slip into bed, too exhausted to pick it up and dissolve into its delicious, vast universe.
Looking from the outside, the important things – the beautiful life making things – are so obvious. In the thick of it? Well…
I am looking for a pattern interrupt. I am looking to wake up from the fog of a life looking to fill, and recognize instead a life full of fulfillment.
Something in me whispers to stop looking for perfection. It is not a switch.
Feel deeply. It will be ok.
See fully. Everything is beautiful when you recognize the truth.
Connection is our nature. Love is the root of all.
Remembering to experience the things that move me. To relish and delight in them. To FEEL the beautiful, on purpose, every day. This is my #workinprogress.
Join me! I’d love to share our beautiful.